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Tuesday, June 28, 2016

The Shepherd's Heart: Man it's cold outside!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Man ... It's cold outside!

How cold is it?

It's so cold that my shoes were sticking to the concrete driveway yesterday morning.
It's so cold, even the Good Humor Man is in a bad mood.
It's so cold, chicken wings are being sold only in hot and suicide.
It's so cold, Paris Hilton is actually wearing clothes.
It's so cold, fleece is once again fashionable.
It's so cold that I can feel icicles forming beneath my eyelids and not just in my moustache.
It's so cold that I put the meat in the freezer to defrost.

It's so cold that even members of congress couldn't get into a heated argument over health care reform.
It's so cold that cigarette smokers were passing out because they didn't know that
they were through exhaling.
It was so cold north of Carrollton that I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
It's so cold that left-wing Democrats are actually listening to Rush Limbaugh, hoping they can benefit from some of that hot air.
It's so cold that the billboards on I-70 are advertising "Live Heavily-Dressed Girls!"
It's so cold that people are buying hot roasted chestnuts to put in their pants pockets.
It's so cold, Richard Simmons was seen putting on a pair of long pants (thank goodness!).
It's so cold, we had to chop up the piano for firewood -- but it only gave us two cords.
It's so cold that the global warming hysterics will somehow use it to support their position!
It's so cold, I saw the Ty-D Bowl man playing ice hockey.
It's so cold Republicans were hugging Democrats while waiting in line at the post office.
It's so cold that Pudgy -- my cat -- sits across the room to look out the window.
It's so cold it's still yesterday -- today read the forecast and called in sick.
It's so cold that my toes ... toes? ... What are toes?
And finally ... If it's zero degrees outside today and the weather man said it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
But seriously ...

It's so cold that I don't want to joke about how cold it is.
It's not funny -- it's too cold.

(Thanks to many Internet sources -- and a few late night T.V. hosts)

BOB G. STEWART, Columnist
The Shepherd's Heart