Love and Logic class teaches parents to offer children choices

At the Love and Logic parenting class session Tuesday, Nov. 3, participants heard about offering choices to their children.

Kleinschmidt read to attendees a list of statements a parent may make in an attempt to get a child to do what the parent wants. Some of the statements that come from the Love and Logic parenting method included "Would you rather clean your room, or would you rather pay someone to clean your room out of your allowance?" to a child unwilling to clean his or her room, "Would you rather listen without interrupting, or would you rather go somewhere else?" to a child who interrupts his or her parents when they are having a conversation and "Feel free to wear your coat or carry it" to a child who does not want to wear his or her coat when it is cold outside.

It is a matter, said Kleinschmidt, of "thinking words" versus "fighting words." Fighting words are statements that effectively say, "You'd better, or else," whereas thinking words "give choices that you can live with."

"Thinking words are a way of saying 'no' by saying 'yes' to something else," read Love and Logic material.

During a video shown to presenters, Love and Logic President Charles Fay advised parents to "replace lectures with enforceable statements."

Recalling an interaction he had with a parent, he said that over the course of their conversation, she realized that "she was spending all of her time and energy trying to control things she couldn't control in a million years, and therefore, had no time or energy to control the things that she really could."

So, the woman went home and made two lists, one of things she could control and one of things she only wished she could. At the end, she realized that the only thing she could actually control was herself.

Fay asked aloud whether parents can control whether their child takes out the trash, to which those listening replied in the negative. He responded by asking if they could "engineer a situation that makes the kid wish he took out the trash?" which made several parents laugh and reply that, yes, that was something a parent could control.

One line Fay gave parents to use with their children was, "I'll be happy to" listen to you, take you to your friend's house, do your laundry or anything else "when I feel treated with respect."

Fay also gave advice for what parents should do when they don't know what to do, which was, "Delay the consequences."

Fay's father, Jim Fay, appeared in the video next to speak about consequences.

Consequences, he said, should leave a child uncomfortable or inconvenienced, not hurt.

Attendees also heard from Foster Cline, who spoke in the video about "the value of chores," saying that chores help a child to develop a sense of self-worth and feel like a part of the family. He added that they also serve to ready the child for adult life.

He added that when a parent says "...and I expect it to be done by...", the parent is really saying he or she "doesn't expect it at all."

Love and Logic classes are presented at Saline County Circles meetings, and are funded by a grant to Covenant Presbyterian Church, by Missouri Valley Community Action Agency through a work support grant and a community services block grant and by Saline County Strong Family Partnership with a grant through Children's Trust Fund.

The next Love and Logic session will begin at 5:30 p.m. Tuesday, Nov. 10, at Covenant Presbyterian Church.

Contact Geoff Rands at marshallreporter@socket.net