Class helps parents teach children to take responsibility for behavior

Nancy Kleinschmidt, third from left, gives a presentation on the Love and Logic approach to parenting Tuesday, Oct. 6, while, from left, Carrie Howard, Kevin Howard and Geraldine Scharnhorst listen. This was the first class in a seven-week series.
(Geoff Rands/Democrat-News)

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The mistakes made by parents, she said, follow children into adulthood, but today's parents won't break the cycle "unless we want to," Kleinschmidt said.

The Love and Logic method, Kleinschmidt explained, "teaches parents how to hold their child accountable in a special way. They learn to see their parents as the 'good guy' and their poor decisions as the 'bad guy.'"

Eventually, continued Kleinschmidt, the child develops an internal voice that asks, "How much pain will I cause myself with this decision?"

This puts all of the responsibility back on the child for his or her own decisions, she said.

The way to do this is through empathy.

"I'm sad you have this problem," said Kleinschmidt to an imaginary child. "Oh, that's going to be tough," she said of the consequences of the child's actions, stressing that this must all be said with no sarcasm whatsoever.

Self-confidence, she explained, is gained through struggle and achievement.

"Some few people can learn from others' mistakes," she said, but the rest must make the mistakes on their own and suffer the consequences.

Parents ought not fix the problems the child is experiencing, but simply show empathy for the child's plight and help him or her to realize the solution, she said.

If a child comes home complaining that a teacher is "mean," said Kleinschmidt, a parent should empathize and say, "I'm sorry your teacher is mean," and ask what the teacher has done that the child feels is mean.

Eventually, the child will explain the cause of the teacher's meanness, such as the child acting out in class or failing to turn in work.

"They know what it is. I let them be mad, I let them badmouth that teacher," said Kleinschmidt, adding that then, she will ask how one of the child's classmates does not suffer the same consequences.

After the child identifies what undesirable behavior he or she has been engaging in, the parent should let the child know that, if he or she follows all the rules, the teacher will have no cause to watch the child or be "mean."

Kleinschmidt showed participants a video in which Love and Logic presenter Charles Fay explained that short-term discomfort is better than long-term pain, and for that reason, parents should let their children make mistakes at an early age, and should not protect them from the consequences of their actions beyond what is necessary for the children's continued physical and mental well-being.

He told a story about a friend's child whom he met at an air show. At the gift shop, the child picked out a rickety toy helicopter that each adult could see would break before the day's end. But when the child asked for it, he was told that he could have it if he had the money to purchase it, which was $6.

The child pulled out enough money in bills and change from his pockets, surprising Fay. His friend explained that the child had a weekly allowance that amounted to about $1 per week, "after taxes and withholdings." Fay explained that this allowed the child to realize that he would never receive all of what he was due, a lesson Fay himself did not learn until he had his first job as a teenager and spent what he predicted to be his entire first check before seeing how much is taken out by the government.

When the child's toy helicopter broke in his hand, the child's parents showed empathy, soothing the child and expressing sorrow that the child had to go through that pain. But, said Fay, it was better that the child learn that things break then than to wait until he had purchased his first car, which would "cost a whole lot more than six bucks."

Empathy and consequences teach a lesson, Fay said, not "rubbing salt" in wounds.

He used the example of a husband receiving a speeding ticket, then coming home to his wife, who says, "Did you learn something from your ticket?"

By asking the child if he or she understands something or learned something, explained Fay, parents give the impression that the child cannot understand or learn it on his or her own.

The video's next speaker was Jim Fay, who told of the "uh, oh song" that parents should "sing" when a child acts in an undesirable way.

Using a melodic tone of voice, Jim said, "Uh, oh! Little bedroom time coming up here! This is so sad. You might want to go in there and throw a little fit, and we'll see you when you're sweet."

"Can you be angry and upset when you're singing a song?" Jim asked.

When a child's parents get mad, Jim explained, the child receives the message, "My parents can't handle me," and so parents should not show anger.

After the bedroom time is over, the child gets a great big hug and life goes on without the parent explaining why the child was sent to his or her bedroom, said Jim. If the child expresses a lack of understanding, the parent should say that if the child still does not understand in a few days, the parent will work to help in that regard.

Kleinschmidt had those in attendance answer several statements on a pretest by writing whether those statements were true or false. These statements included: "As a parent I can make my child obey me," "I think a child's job is to play and it is the adult's job to keep the house clean and meals prepared," "When my child throws a temper tantrum it helps to show them how it looks and sounds so the parent should have a temper tantrum also," and "Children learn from people modeling how to live responsibly," among several others.

Kleinschmidt only answered one question during the session: "I have a right as a parent to spank my children."

She explained that there is no law against spanking, only against leaving bruises.

However, she said, there are "always better ways," and added, "hands are for loving."

She asked those present how parents can discipline a child who hits another child if the parent has shown that hands are for hurting.

She also added that those whose families are involved with the Department of Family Services should not spank their children, because it may be construed as a more serious action under the scrutiny of DFS personnel.

And, she continued, "there is a difference between a swat, a spanking and a beating," explaining that a swat, her preferred method of corporal punishment, is just a single strike without much force behind it. When a parent spanks or beats a child, the parent is almost always angry.

"We never make good decisions when we're mad," Kleinschmidt said.

She also cautioned against striking a child anywhere on the face, saying, "Slapping someone's face is one of the most demeaning things." She said another extremely demeaning thing that far too many parents do is telling their child to "shut up."

The next Love and Logic presentation will take place at 5:30 p.m. Tuesday, Oct. 13, at Covenant Presbyterian Church.

Contact Geoff Rands at marshallreporter@socket.net