Semi View: Fight global warming: Teach your cows some manners

Apparently because cows belch and have gas while chewing their cuds, it is released in the air as methane. According to the articles I've read, apparently methane causes Global Warming faster than carbon dioxide.

I was really upset by this, because of course we want to do our part to stop Global Warming. I mean, I even bought those curly light bulbs. I certainly think we should all do our part in stopping pollution. But then again, I don't really want to get rid of our cows, either. Where would they go?

So, I got to thinking, perhaps I should just teach my cows a little bit better manners. Maybe if they would learn to stop belching so much, then that would solve the problem.

When you've got a problem to solve, start at the top, I say, so, I wrote "Miss Manners." After all in America, I don't think there is anyone who is more qualified to deal with belching than the queen of manners.

"Dear Miss Manners,

"My cows have a terrible habit of belching (apparently from both ends) after digesting the grass they love to eat. It is especially troublesome when they chew their cuds. For some reason unknown to me, they have four stomachs. Apparently, the cud chewing, and the gases all help their food become digested. Well, anyway, I don't have all the specifics, but I would like your help in teaching them to not belch so much. Apparently it's

ruining the planet. Please hurry."

I signed it and waited for a response.

Can you believe it? She never wrote back.

So, I realized I was going to have to tackle the problem myself. I bought a few "manners" books and began to study some ideas for teaching etiquette to children. (I Googled, but couldn't find any "cow etiquette" books.)

After studying up one day, I marched into the pasture. I found the "girls" all lying together in a semi-circle, underneath a big shade tree. And would you believe it, almost all of them were chewing their cuds.

Now, for those of you who don't know, the cud is actually grass they have "spit" back up to chew again so it can be digested into another stomach. Until the "global warming" thing, it has apparently worked efficiently for

a couple thousand or so years. Well, I didn't hear a lot of belches or see any gases going into the sky, (apparently they are invisible), but I did hear the cud chewing.

"You girls sound like a bunch of 5th graders munching on Strawberry Bubble Yum," I yelled, sounding a lot like my grade school teacher.

It got their attention. A few even jumped up.

"Now #54, #260, Miss Ferrari and the rest of you ladies, I want you to stay on our farm and I believe you want to stay, but you've got to stop this "belching" thing. It's bad for the planet."

Now I can't tell for sure, but I think a few actually heard me. I kept talking, trying to convince them that belching "didn't look very ladylike" and they could all do better. But after awhile I lost their attention.

Pretty soon, I even got tired of hearing my lecture and my mind started to wander. I started thinking about if there were no cows, no livestock and no meat. What if we all became vegetarians or even vegans, who don't eat anything produced from animals? I mean as farmers I guess we'd adapt? But in those diets, I believe, beans are the main source of protein, right?

Uh, not be too graphic, but wouldn't that cause a whole new "Greenhouse Gas" problem?

Well anyway, I was deep into my speech (and thoughts) when I saw my "men" approach.

"Mom, were you just talking to the cows?" said the youngest.

"Yes, yes, I'm discussing manners, they need to stop belching and causing the planet to warm," I said, giving them my most serious "Mom" face. Even though they never said a word, the shocked looks on their faces told

me all I needed to know.

In fact, when they walked away, I think I heard one of the boys whisper,

"Dad, I think Mom needs a break."

Or did he say "needs a shrink?"