OBTW/An anthem for the untall

Sometimes, it's quite easy to sit down at a keyboard and write a column. On a good day, and with a subject already decided, the words flow easily onto the page.

Other days, it's a struggle just to come up with a subject, let alone one that seems worthy of 800 or 1,000 words or so.

And then are days when the subject just drops into your lap and the column almost writes itself. Today is one of those days. A Bob Edwards interview with composer Randy Newman and a story on ABC News pointed the way to a discussion of (drum roll, please) short people. Let's start with the stipulation that I am a person of small stature. Only 5 feet, 3 inches tall, I don't exactly stand head and shoulders above the crowd.

"Short people got no reason to live..."

When Newman wrote those words in 1977, intending them as a parody of bigotry, a lot of hackles were raised (and continue to be raised 30 years later) among those who didn't get the joke. As they say, however, there's no such thing as bad publicity in the entertainment world, and despite Newman's other, more serious works, and an eventual Academy Award, "Short People" remains his biggest hit.

To tell you the truth, I prefer to be called "small," since the word short seems so negative. You know, "a day late and a dollar short," shortchanged, short-sighted, short-lived, shortfall, shortcoming, shorthanded, short-term, and other, similar expressions of well, not exactly admiration, is it?

"They got little hands and little eyes and they walk around tellin' great big lies..."

There are definitely advantages to being undertall. There are things no one expects you to do -- you don't have to miss even one second of "Scrubs" to fetch things from the top shelf of the kitchen cabinets. You'll never be called upon to be the anchor in a human pyramid.

"They got little noses and tiny little teeth..."

You're never in the background in pictures. You were never at the back of the line in school.

"They wear platform shoes on their nasty little feet..."

If you're a woman, most men are taller than you are, so you will always be able to wear those gorgeous shoes with the 3-inch heels. And men think you're "cute" long past middle age. This has its own advantages.

Sitting in an airplane seat is seldom uncomfortable.

"They got little baby legs and they stand so low, you got to pick 'em up just to say hello..."

If you're a person of the tall persuasion, you may not realize how much of our world seems to be built simply for the purpose of annoying people who are vertically challenged.

Furniture is enormous these days. The newest thing in dining rooms is the "pub-style" table, which requires taller chairs. I already find these tables annoying in bars, so why would I want one in my house?

Kitchen countertops are getting higher, too, probably to match the ever-increasing size of houses. This doesn't work well for a pocket-sized person. Those 3-inch heels I mentioned earlier really aren't kitchen attire. Really.

I once had to forego purchasing a car I liked very much because I couldn't reach the gas pedal comfortably.

"They got little cars that go beep, beep, beep, they got little voices goin' peep, peep, peep..."

One odd thing I must mention. Even though I know I am height-deprived, it often doesn't seem so to me. If you ask me how tall someone else is, I'm apt to say, "Oh, about my size." Apparently, I'm looking up at people so often that it feels like eye-level to me somehow. All three of my closest friends are tall - and now I'm laughing out loud because I just realized that - and until someone took a picture of three of us together, I had no idea how much taller they are than I am.

"They got grubby little fingers and dirty little minds..."

George Washington topped out at about 6 feet, 2 inches, a tall man for his time. Maybe that helped him become our first president. At least it's possible, according to Anne Case and Christina Paxson of the Princeton University Center for Health and Wellbeing. Their study of the influence of height on employment opportunities was published in July 2006. In it, Case and Paxson argue that "...height continues to be highly correlated with labor market success in developed countries." The study goes on to say that "taller people also have higher average incomes and earnings."

Tell that to billionaires H. Ross Perot (5 feet, 5 inches) and Michael Bloomberg (5 feet, 8 inches). Even Bill Gates is only of average height at 5 feet, 10 inches. And our fourth president, James Madison, could best be described as pint-sized at 5 feet, 4 inches. His first lady, the party-loving Dolley Madison, was about the same height as James. She was, however, fond of headdresses that made her seem much taller, which is probably why she sometimes referred to him as "the great little Madison."

Speaking of average height, Americans have long been regarded as the tallest people in the industrialized world. The average man in the U.S. is a little less than 5 feet, 10 inches tall; the average woman is just under 5 feet, 4 inches tall.

"They're gonna get you every time..."

Not even close, says ABC News. The new leaders in the Western world are the Dutch. Tiny country, big people. Men there average 6 feet, 1 inch, a full 3 inches taller than the average American male. In Denmark, they're two inches taller on average.

What's going on here?

It might be a measure of how we're eating. A study conducted by the University of Munich in Germany and Princeton University points to the amount of fast food in the American diet as part of the reason. Americans are now the shortest people, yes, the shortest people, among industrialized nations. Apparently the more burgers, fries, and pizzas we shove down our throats, the faster we get shorter. Kids who overeat produce growth hormones earlier, and they top out their height at a much younger age than formerly.

If you want to get taller, it's obvious that eating salads is the way to do it. Which explains it all. I hate vegetables.

"Don't want no short people, don't want no short people, don't want no short people 'round here."