From the archives of Solar System 34629C comes yet another clue to the happenings of the Dark Era. We hope in releasing this information that members of the Intergalactic Union of Planets will update their databanks accordingly and work to delete old and corrupted files. Thank you, and have a nice life!

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Personal Log -- Stardate: June 14, 45 A.O. -- Earthdate: June 14, 2054 C.E.

"The name's Hatfield, Jake Hatfield, investigative journalist for 'The Solar Systematic News.' This recording, if you're hearing it, is my last will and testament, so to speak. At very least, the facts about the Martian Invasion will become known and put before public eye.

"Man, who am I kidding? Or 'whom' am I kidding? I don't even know any more. They'll probably stifle my work the way they've shut down every other attempt at bringing out the truth. But that didn't stop me, did it?

"I've been to every rust-bucket spaceport, sleazy celestial bar, and back-alley shipping route in this two-bit solar system, and for what? Facts. 'Cold' as a steel Berretta-Blaster in deep space and 'hard' as my partner's thick skull -- those kinds of facts. And the facts are these:

"Back in 2009, by Earth reckoning, the United States President began an initiative to colonize Mars. Scientists got to work immediately, but it still took 20 years before any colonists actually arrived. Three years after that -- May 12, 2032 -- the Martians showed up like so many locusts descending on Egypt in the days of Moses versus Pharaoh. A plague to the colonists by all mainstream media accounts.

"No one knew why they hadn't been on the planet since the day Humans started looking up and wondering, 'What in God's great void ARE those twinkly things in the night sky?' The Martians sure weren't there when the colonists landed. But whatever the reason they abandoned their planet, the Martians obviously wanted it back.

"My partner, a Martian called J'onn J'onzz, told me the Martian diaspora was instigated several hundred years ago. (Yeah, he was there.) Saturnites had enslaved the planet in an iron tentacle-grip, and in a final attempt to free themselves, the Martians loaded onto their starships, deployed, and nuked their entire planet. I would've loved to have seen that -- an entire planet's surface obliterated and wrapped in nuclear smoke, eradicating all technology and reducing Mars to a rust-covered, barren ... did I just say all that aloud?

"Anyway, apparently their starships were running low on fuel and they asked the Intergalactic Council of United Planets if it would be safe to return. ICUP gave the green light to come on back to Mars. Tough luck for us, I guess.

"(ICUP? 'I' 'C' 'U' 'P'? Think about that for a second. If aliens spoke English, I would have to say that was a poor choice of an acronym. Not to mention the lawsuit they'll have on their hands once Apple sues over the name of its computerized beverage container, the iCup.)

"The first death as a result of the Martians occurred when one of their ships touched down on the front lawn (I don't know why they called it a 'lawn' when all it was was rugged red rock) of a self-contained oxygen-atmosphere space-mansion belonging to George Soros. The old geezer died of fright screaming, 'They've found me! They've found me! Don't let the dirty peasants touch my things!'

"Needless to say, the Martians themselves were scared out of their wits at a wrinkled old madman screaming and buzzing around in circles in his motorized wheelchair. It'd terrify me.

"Just the one death was enough to ignite a firestorm back on Earth. People said the Martians were slaughtering Humans right and left, mercilessly pushing people into confinements and cutting off the Humans' contact with Earth. Actually the one instance was the only form of contact at all; both sides were stupefied and neither did anything.

"That is, until the mercs showed up. Earth's armies weren't ready for Martian combat, but apparently Dick Cheney could raise his own mercenary troop in no time and expect them to be combat-ready. (How did that guy live so long? That's what I wanted to know. I mean, he was 91 years old in 2032! Evidently, Cheney had undergone a controversial procedure that cybernetically enhanced many parts of his body. Suddenly, he was like Schwarzenegger in his prime, but still with the terrible comb-over. Now, that is a scary thought.)

"Cheney's five legions of mercs swarmed over the surface of Mars supposedly to 'rescue' the colonists from the 'invaders' -- the ones who actually lived there first. It was all messed up. Too much politics involved. A lot of death went down that day, and based on what? Propaganda. We Earthlings feed on propaganda like Koozbanians on a dead carcass. At least, that's the way J'onzz put it.

"The Martians fought back, much to the apparent surprise of Cheney and his crew. Earth received slanted reports and more propaganda from the front lines of an ill-conceived war. And the propaganda kept on coming -- a never-ending spew of vomit from Earthings sick to the stomach on ignorance, with no clue what was really going on.

"Notably, there was the incident with the Westboro medium. A spirit diviner in Westboro, Kansas, made contact on August 26, 2038, with the disembodied ghost of Fred Phelps. The dead man's former followers flocked to the medium's house to receive guidance from Phelps' ghost. From all accounts (and there weren't many reliable ones) Phelps had been sent back to Earth with a final warning to Humans: 'God hates Martians.'

"Who didn't see that one coming? I've always had my doubts about the sanity of Phelps' devotees, with their 'God hates Fags,' 'God hates Jews,' 'God hates America,' 'God hates Sweden,' 'God hates the Irish,' 'Billy Graham was Satan's Prophet,' 'Ronald Reagan is Burning in Hell,' etc., etc., etc. Hmmm -- yeah.

"My suspicions were confirmed by one former follower who had asked Phelps via medium what his god looked like. Phelps is said to have described a being with red skin, six twisted horns, and a long pointed tail. Need I say more about that narcissistic apparition?

"But I digress. In 2044, Earth joined ICUP, and tried to work out a deal with the now well-established Martians (while Earth was simultaneously funding a 103-year-old Cheney's terroristic mercenary corps). They called it the 'Two Hemisphere Solution': Martians would get one hemisphere of Mars and Humans would get the other hemisphere. 'Oh, joy, the Humans are letting us keep half our planet, isn't that nice of them?' I could hear the Martians saying.

"But no media source cared to cover the Martian aspect of it. It was all about the oppressed Humans who were just trying to live peacefully when the Martians came back in swarms demanding that they had a right to the planet. Even after ICUP made the Martians give up the Pirts Azag area to the Humans, we Earthlings weren't satisfied.

"And now, even now, the political war rages on over who can and cannot stay on Mars, when Martians have said over and over they don't mind Humans on the planet as long as they're not killing their Martian neighbors.

"I'm 63 years old, and I want the public, every planet and species following this debate, to know the truth before I die. That's all I want. (Actually, no, I want J'onzz to look after my pet iguana when I'm gone. Seriously, J'onn, if I meet back up with Iggy within a week of my death, there'll be hell to pay.) But other than that, I simply want the truth to be known. Push aside the propaganda and look at the facts. The cold, hard ones. You'll find the truth sooner or later.

"Live Long and Prosper!"