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Wednesday, Jan. 18, 2017

If farmers had their very own Santa ...

Posted Tuesday, December 11, 2012, at 2:27 PM

As Christmas rolls around again, I've become panicked trying to find gifts for my farmers. I've realized now as they become older their wish list gets bigger -- not in the number of items they ask for -- but in the size of those items.

Since real tractors and trucks don't fit under my tree or my budget limit, I am stuck pondering appropriate gifts.

So this year, I have come up with a wish list of gifts I would like to buy.

Non-breakable cellphones
No matter what the newest cases claim, we are finding out even the guaranteed ones aren't farmer-proof. In fact, I think there are a couple of companies rethinking their lifetime guarantees after sending more than few phone cases our way in a year.

So I'd like to see a phone, or phone case, which can withstand the inevitable trip through a combine, voyage to the bottom of a cattle waterer or digestion (and eventual reappearance) through a cow's stomach (don't ask).

I'd like to see a cell phone which can make it through the day-to-day battery of living in a farmer's pocket rubbing against two pocket knives, 227 keys on three different key chains, a pair of pliers and 10 tractor parts left over after a recent overhaul. (I'm sure those parts weren't important anyway.)

Farmer weather cell phone app
This app would give exact weather conditions (including accurate future rain amounts) for each field. Of course, a cell phone which would reliably work in some fields, might be a gift all in itself.

Non-leaking rubber boots
I think my farmers would enjoy a pair of rubber boots guaranteed not to leak on the wettest or coldest day of the year.

And while I'm living a fantasy, it would be nice if those were self-cleaning as well.

Stain-proof cap
This cap, complete with their favorite logo, seed, feed or tractor, would need to repel all stains or at the very least be self-cleaning. There is nothing sadder than watching a farmer mourn over the loss of his favorite cap.

I've tried many methods, but have yet to find a good way to clean and preserve a cap -- especially if it's a favorite.

After washing, scrubbing with a toothbrush or using the special cap holders for the wash machine, they never fit or look the same.

GPS for cows
This would eliminate a lot of steps and panic.

Or perhaps we could just find cows that never think the grass is greener on the other side, no matter how worn the fence.

Come to think of it, a self-fixing fence would make a great Christmas present, too.

Self-filling bale ring
The ring would automatically fill with a new bale of hay when the cows eat the last bit.

Disappearing farm magazine
A farm magazine which self-destructs and completely disappears within two weeks of delivery (or after it is read completely).

That would mean no more magazine mountain, or arguments about what really happened to that 1993 Farm Journal. (Wait, this present may be more for me than my farmers.)

Timely rainfall
One-inch of rain every week (after the crops are planted) and until harvest begins. I have it on pretty good authority if this happens we'd have a crop, subsoil moisture or not.

Self-cleaning equipment
A self-cleaning mode on each piece of equipment, tractor or combine.

This way every piece of equipment could be easily put away each winter.

(I would also like self-cleaning coveralls, but that might be another gift for me.)

And last but not least, I think the perfect Christmas gift for my farmers would be a pot of gold, so they can all keep farming until it is all gone.

Looking back on my list, I think my theme is pretty clear. I'm looking for a lot of "magic" gifts. Obviously, though, I'm going to have to wait for today's inventors to catch up.

So on that note, I'll just wish everyone a very magical Christmas season: Merry Christmas from our home to yours.

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